A cooperative spirit helps co-parents avoid holiday conflicts

It can be challenging for divorced parents to work out a parenting schedule at the best of times, so unexpected last-minute scheduling conflicts during an already hectic holiday season can create additional stress for the entire family, says Toronto family lawyer Gary Gottlieb.

The emotional aspect of holiday celebrations contributes yet another complication, especially when a divorce is recent, and the children are still getting used to their parents’ separation.

But there are ways to handle scheduling conflicts during important holidays and other special occasions that will ease the stress and create new traditions that work for everyone involved, says Gottlieb.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Figuring out where and how children will spend the holidays can be complicated, but there’s really no magic to it, he says.

“It’s all based on cooperation. My advice to my clients is don’t sweat the small stuff. A kid never objects to having two Christmases or two birthday parties.”

If you and your ex can spend the holiday together without tension or conflict, you might decide to share the special moments, writes Ann Gold in a recent column.

“However, if your children pick up on your discomfort, it will spoil the festivities for them. Despite your best intentions, your stress could add strain and tension to your kids’ experience. Sharing the holiday only works for parents who are quite comfortable with each other, and not in conflict,” says Gold, author of The Parent’s Guide to Birdnesting: A Child-centred Solution to Co-parenting During Separation and Divorce.

Common types of arrangements

Parents should strive to be creative in dividing time with their children on special occasions such as holidays and birthdays and try to plan months—even years—in advance. Each should think about what’s important to them and how they want things to unfold. For example, one parent could celebrate with the children on New Year’s Eve and the other could spend New Year’s Day with them.

With younger children, Gottlieb says, many parents opt for a schedule where the kids spend the morning with one and the afternoon with the other.

“For older children, the most popular schedule for this time of the year is Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one parent and Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day with the other parent,” he says.

On the other hand, if a family likes to travel during the holidays, splitting the day won’t work, “so you need to decide whether you’re the type that stays in town all the time to be with family or whether you travel,” he says. Families that travel can look at the option of doing one week on, one week off and then alternate in even and odd years.

“Some people find it more important to celebrate Christmas Eve, some prefer Christmas morning, and some have mixed traditions.” If the parents come from different religious backgrounds, “I usually advise my clients just to go by their own traditions,” says Gottlieb.

Give advance notice for travel plans

If one parent plans to take the children out of the province for the holidays, they must give advance notice, including details of the trip, location, and contact and ticket information. COVID-19 is complicating things even further now since some parents are opposed to their children travelling at all because of government recommendations against it.

A well-organized parenting schedule normally has the Christmas break sorted out by the end of September or the beginning of October, but sometimes, one parent wants to change the existing agreement a week or two before the holidays.

Gottlieb says the courts will usually deal with these matters if there’s an existing specified schedule and one parent wants to intentionally breach it, but it must be proven to be urgent. Last-minute applications are often rejected if the parties can’t show that they attempted to deal with the matter earlier.

Parenting plans should be detailed

When a parenting schedule is very general, it leaves room for debate and conflict between the parents, Gottlieb stresses.

“Rather than stating that the kids will split time over Christmas, the plan should precisely spell out which days and hours apply to each parent,” he says.

Gottlieb recommends creating a very detailed schedule that covers dates, times, pick-ups, drop-offs, and locations. And it doesn’t have to be carved in stone.

“If you’re finding that a schedule is not working, you can always tweak it, on consent,” says Gottlieb, adding that flexibility and an ability to compromise can help the process immensely.

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Three rules for creating a child-focused parenting plan

Adjusting to life after a separation or divorce is difficult for everyone in the family, but a well-drafted parenting plan can help minimize interparental conflict and provide children with stability, says Toronto family lawyer Gary Gottlieb.

“Conflict, disagreements and miscommunication can create a chasm between parents trying to devise a plan for how to raise their children. A solid parenting plan that’s rooted in the best interests of the children can ease the transition for everyone,” he says.

During a period of emotional upheaval and uncertainty, says Gottlieb, children are looking for answers to important questions:

• Who will I live with?

• Where will I go to school?

• Will I have to move?

• Where will each parent live?

• Where will we spend holidays?

• Will I still get to see my friends?

• Can I still do my favourite activities?

“Children need reassurance they will have a relationship with both parents after their parents split. They want to visualize where they will be on a given day or week, which can impact their activities and ability to connect with friends,” he says.

What is a parenting plan?

A parenting plan is a document outlining how parents will make decisions for the children, the time each one will spend with them, how they will share information and, in some cases, the protocol for handling disagreements. The plan should contain enough detail to provide clear expectations yet have enough flexibility to be realistic.

Following is a non-exhaustive list of the issues that can be addressed in a parenting plan:

• Parenting time arrangements — schedule of when each parent has the children

• Vacations, holidays and special days

• Relocation of a parent

• Health care

• Education

• Religion/spirituality

• Extra-curricular activities

• How exchanges of the children will be handled

• Schedule changes — how far ahead of time do parents need to propose changes?

• Contact orders — the time children spend in the care of someone other than parents, such as grandparents

• Family pets

Considerations for high-conflict parents

High-conflict couples most frequently fight about the details of visitation, parenting approaches and the exchange of information about their children. Given that many children are in fight-or-flight mode following their parent’s separation, it’s critical to minimize their exposure to ongoing conflict.

Children are often the casualties of high-conflict separation and divorce, and Gottlieb says agreeing on a parent plan often takes an extraordinary effort.

“High-conflict people look for loopholes, so it’s best to formulate a plan that minimizes parental contact when children are being dropped off or picked up,” he says.

After helping families draft parenting plans for more than 30 years, Gottlieb has three key guidelines:

Rule 1: Determine what’s truly best for your children

Pandemic restrictions aside, Gottlieb says families typically juggle busy schedules that revolve around work, school and social or extra-curricular activities.

“In most cases, it’s best for the children to spend as much time as possible with each parent. Before the divorce, your children may have participated in several sports, but now, you and your co-parent may only be able to commit to one.”

When parents are carving out plans for holiday schedules such as Christmas, he says, they should think about how that might change over time.

“When the kids are young and everyone is in the same city, scheduling is relatively straightforward. But what happens if your parenting plan stipulates that Mom always has the kids on Christmas day and Dad wants to take them on a Disney cruise one year?”

Rule 2: Be specific

The most important aspect of creating a parenting plan on which the family can rely is to be as specific as possible, Gottlieb stresses.

“Many lawyers make them very general, relying on their clients to figure out the details, but that’s a recipe for disaster,” he says. “In my experience, the less you leave to fate, the better. A good parenting plan considers the family’s current situation and anticipates changes as the years go on.”

For example, Gottlieb says, if the parents agree they will split time with the kids at Thanksgiving, the plan should precisely spell which days and hours apply to each parent.

For his clients, he often includes “ground rules” for how parents will communicate with each other as well as how they talk to their children about the other parent. But Gottlieb cautions that parenting plans only work if parents are willing to follow them.

“Nothing on a piece of paper is going to change behaviour. That has to come from a willingness to co-operate,” he says.

Rule 3: Modify plans as children age

A parenting plan for pre-school-age children will look quite different from one for teenagers with busy social schedules, says Gottlieb.

“The younger the kids are at the time of separation, the more frequently the plan will need to be updated. It’s also important to consider each child’s individual needs and interests.”

The pandemic forced modifications to parenting plans for many families around childcare needs, work schedules and other factors. Other triggers for updating the parenting plan include:

• Health — changes to the child’s health that require additional time and commitment

• Relocation — what happens if one parent wants to move?

• Criminal sanctions — if a parent has been arrested or convicted, the plan needs to be modified

Co-operate — or a judge will decide

Gottlieb says his firm has extensive experience drafting parenting plans that set families up for success following separation or divorce.

“This is your opportunity to carve a blueprint for the next phase of life that works for you, your co-parent and, most importantly, your children. No one knows your family better than you do, so, wherever possible, co-operate with your co-parent to create a plan that works for your children.

“Parents who can’t come to an agreement may find themselves settling their arrangement in court.”

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